If you asked me, I would classify the typical English weather as "Occasional blue skies, but mostly grey with patches of sunshine, simultaneously cool with possible showers". Pretty much the same weather all year around. However this particular Christmas turned out to be a white and snowy one. Sort of... Any major variation of the weather, hot or cold, and the entire country is either in uproar or totally paralysed. Give them two millimetres of snow and The country comes to a complete standstill as England is buried under the lethal snow!
I couldnt stop laughing as the weatherman on TV warned people from taking the car, advising everyone to stay indoors because the ground was covered by a hardly noticeable layer of killer snowflakes. Transport chaos followed as traffic came to a standstill on main roads ,train services were disrupted and flights were delayed.
After an afternoon of shopping in the city of Rochester, I tried to get a taxi home. The guy over at the taxi station said that he only had one driver working that day, because no one dared to take on the dangerous task of risking their life by driving under those horrid circumstances.
Highways Agencies warned the population of getting out in the extreme weather conditions:
"Drivers are reminded to check the weather forecast before they set out and during their journey. If conditions deteriorate, then delay your journey if you can until the weather improves. Make sure you and your vehicle are ready for the cold weather. Take warm clothes, food and water, boots, de-icer, a torch, and for the worst conditions, a spade."
Hell! That sounds like driving on the north pole, not on a nearly non detectable layer of snow.
Extreme weather conditions only really exist inside buildings in England. Take the majority of most houses and the standard 1930s heating system wont allow you to choose the temperature. Its either on or off, simple as that. The same applies to the fireplaces, of course. They either make you crave for total nudism or you will find a layer of ice on them in the morning. Turn the cosy gasfire on, and the temperature skyrockets like a homesick angel. That was a good thing though, since it was colder indoors than outdoors for some strange reason. I have never felt so cold indoors before. I am now convinced that English people are all masochists. I spent a week huddling by the fireplace or in a hot bathtub.
I am used to snow, being Scandinavian. I guess the way English people feel about snow is similar to a cold white acid trip gone terribly wrong. Even I felt like that, seeing all those grotesque blow up snowmen that people had in their litter filled front gardens and the multi-coloured epileptic disco lights on the outside of their houses. It amazes me that people spend several hundred pounds on outdoor Christmas decorations while they cant be bothered to clean up the empty coke cans and cigarette packets from their front garden. Or the dogshit off the pavement. Walking down the road, I couldnt help looking nervously behind me, in case one of those giant snowmen would start chasing after me. A bit like the marshmallow monster in the Ghostbusters movie. "Swedish tourist sex-murdered by blow up snowman" Heeeelp!!!! Oh wait a minute, do enormous snowmen have a big penis? *naughty smile*
I am sure that next time I visit, all the snow will be gone and replaced with the usual rain. Perfect! Then I will be able to use the umbrella my friend gave me for Christmas! For everything to be total bliss, the only thing missing would be a dogshit detector. I love that country.
